I have these times in my life when I really wish my mother would just stand up and be a fucking mom. But she won’t, she can’t, and I’ve accepted that. But, where does that leave me when I need a mom? Everyone needs one, damn’ it. Don’t try to say you don’t. Even people who fight with their moms constantly and swear on their lives that they hate them. They still have a mom of sorts. And somehow, somewhere in their hearts they know that they are loved. My mother isn’t even like that. I wouldn’t mind having one like that, if it meant having one. Mine is dangerous to be around. I have to avoid everything about her. I still love her, but she certainly does not love me. Not even a little. And, yes, I do know this. She has said it repeatedly, she has also proved it on numerous accounts. So where does that leave me? Feeling like a lost little girl watching the world whirl by around her. Have you seen Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? My pyramid is built with crumbly layers. Probably the source of my tendency to fall apart. Probably the source of feeling like I need someone else to help me put it back together. Maybe everyone does not need a mom.
I’m building a new pyramid. One that doesn’t involve anyone else. If I don’t need anyone else, then I can’t be lonely and I can’t get hurt. It makes sense in my head.
