Yup, I’m feeling pretty sure that this is that one thing that I wont bounce back from. Yesterday, I went to an ER type thing, it wasn’t really an ER but it was very similar. I thought something was seriously wrong with my heart, but after an EKG and chest x-ray it turns out everything is alright. Anxiety attack. I am anxious all of the fucking time. I’m afraid that people just know, I’m afraid that it’s going to happen again, I’m afraid of everything… mostly I’m afraid of the unknown.
I know that this is going to sound completely irrational, but… I don’t know what this guy looks like, what if he followed me? What if he’s here like a coiled snake waiting to strike again? It had to have been someone who had been in my apartment before, it had to have been someone who was watching. He knew where things were. He disconnected my internet which was in a different room, he took my phone which was in a pretty hidden location, and he stole my wallet which was in a completely different spot in my room. He had to have been there before, watching, planning. What if he knew I was leaving? What if he’s here?
Every time someone walks by my front door, I get an intense surge of fear. An image of a dark blur with a gun kicking down the door flashes through my mind. When I go to bed, I hear one of the cats thud on something and I’m up immediately to check the whole apartment over to be absolutely certain no one is there. I’m still basically sleeping on the floor and I can honestly say that I never want to have a real bed again. I don’t shut any of the doors in my apartment except for the closet and the front door which I have to check at least 30 times to see if it’s locked. I also usually check four or five times to make sure the lock also works from the outside. But, then I worry about if the lock only works if you key it from the outside and what if it’s not really working on the outside when you lock it from the inside. Which is extreme paranoia, I’m aware, but you’re thinking about that now, aren’t you?
I’m just scared all of the time. I’m afraid of it happening again because I don’t know so much. I go through periods of crying for hours. For no reason really, usually that’s how I stop crying… because I don’t know why I am. I don’t want to be around people. I kind of don’t want to talk to them at all. I have some internet communication, but even that is starting to annoy me. I just don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. It’s like I’m dead, but alive at the same time. And this isn’t like me, it’s not my character at all. I’ve morphed into something else, something that I hate. Usually I have a lot of personality, I’m that slightly socially awkward, funny, social butterfly, who enjoys being a part of people’s days and trying to make them smile. That’s just not my personality anymore. These days I’m the quiet person in the room who secretly hates being there. I’m overwhelmed by most any human contact and I want to move away somewhere that I will not have to see or deal with anyone else ever again. Somewhere that I can just silently waste away and die alone and no one will know the difference. I realize this is a pretty morbid thing to be feeling and talking about, but well, it’s what I’m feeling. It’s what I want to go away, but won’t.
But, then there’s this whole other part of me that is completely opposite from a desirable hermit state. There’s a part of me that sits all alone wishing someone would just call or write or come visit and tell me that everything will be ok and that I can do this. I keep telling myself, but it’s not really working very well. Then again it probably won’t work if it’s someone else either… I’ll just get irritated because I know they’re just trying to make me feel better even though I might not ever be ok again. But this whole other part of me craves human contact and needs it. Needs a good friend and a glass of water and just needs to cry with someone else. I need a hug and I need to cry with someone. That’s the other part. But, that won’t happen. I don’t know anyone here and really have no desire to be the really weird girl that someone just met who really needs a hug. And I rarely ever cry in front of even my closest friends. Furthermore, the growing side of me that resembles a reclusive troglodytic is far bigger and far more present than the little girl part that wants to curl up and cry with someone. Even though no matter how small that little girl gets, I know she will always be there… lost somewhere in the dark.
I wonder who won the poll. The one on how many things I could handle in life before I fell down and couldn’t get back up. Whoever won better split the fucking winnings with me. House rules.
