I think I am verging a complete and totally mental breakdown. I don’t know. I mean I guess not, because I’m still semi-functioning and I have my wits about me 78% of the time. But, I’m afraid.
I’m anxious all of the time. I can’t think straight. I’ve had to rid my apartment of all alcohol and I already got rid of the painkillers. But, it’s like I’m not even me right now. I am me, obviously because that’s the only person I can be, but I’m not. Ugh, what if I’m developing some kind of severe mental disorder?! I guess that kind of thing doesn’t just develop out of the blue… I mean I’m not feeling like I should bang my head on the wall for an extended period of time or anything, but still. And really, would it be all that out of the blue? Aren’t things like that caused by stress or something?
I’m supposed to go see a psychiatrist in two weeks about some anxiety medication. What does it mean to be medicated? I mean, does this make me legitimately crazy as opposed to just thinking I’m losing it. Does it mean that I really can’t cope. Am I just not trying hard enough to deal with things? I’ve been trying to just talk myself out of anxiety and just kind of ignore things that are making me nervous, but it’s just not working. I don’t know if medication is really going to help or stress me out more because then I’ll feel like I’m “medicated.” Really, I mean, I’m supposed to just deal with things, right? Be self-reliant.
