The detective in charge of my case either has some serious communication issues or he is trying to see how many ways information can get to me. Does that mean I’m still the one under investigation as opposed to whoever did this? I got an email today from someone that I do not really talk to. The email said my detective called my father to try to get in touch with me, so to call my detective back at xxx-xxx-xxxx number. What kind of method of communication is that? He has my phone number. He knows how to get in contact with me. I’m pretty sure the person would not make this up, so why the backward method of communication?
I don’t understand why it is that this has happened, I reported it, and the authorities who responded treated me like I was doing something grievously wrong by reporting it. The first time they took me to the station for questioning, they sat me down and interrogated me like a criminal. And they kept telling me I was “all over the place” on their state of the art, vocal lie detector. (Which I ended up researching because I thought maybe theirs was broken. Come to find out, those machines are about as accurate as drawing an answer out of a hat and some states have passed laws against the practice all together. Plus, considering the fact that this interrogation occurred only hours after the incident, OF COURSE, my voice’s stress responses were not normal.) The second time I went, it was less intense, but they still made me feel like I was in the wrong for saying anything at all. The third time I went there, I finally felt like things were ok. That I had done the right thing and that the authorities were in fact on my side as they claim to be. But, now with this weird attempt to contact me through someone that I have already explained to the detective I am very rarely in contact with, if at all, which led to this weird email, I feel like perhaps the investigation of me isn’t over. Is this some kind of test to see how quickly information from my father could travel to me? Why the chain of people? Why not just call me or send a letter to the address that I gave him just two weeks ago when he called me directly (obviously he has my number)? Or why not call the three or four other contacts that I left with him in case he couldn’t reach me? Nope.
Just another reason why I don’t trust police. It’s like they always have some sort of ulterior motive to everything that they do. If you can’t trust the people that are supposed to uphold and enforce justice, who can you trust?
I’m not calling him back. If he wants to speak with me, he can call me directly. Because either A he didn’t call in the first place or B it’s some kind of detective thing and honestly I really don’t have the patience or energy to entertain some kind of information pass game.
After it happened I very, very seriously considered showering and sleeping the rest of the night on my floor instead of contacting the police. This is why. And some days I wish I would have done just that. They are out of leads, they haven’t caught anyone, I don’t even think they’ve found my wallet and cell phone (which were stolen and would probably provide some sort of lead), they freaking forgot a piece of evidence from my apartment which my detective asked about when he called me last (which is freakin great, because whoever moved into my room probably, no actually, certainly threw it away). Basically there is nothing they can do and nothing they have done, so what was the point? Why bother putting myself through the stress and shame?
I thought I was doing the right thing when I told the police, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have just let it go, just went back to bed. Maybe they think it was my fault too. I let it happen. I didn’t do anything to stop it. Maybe that’s what they’re getting at. Is it still rape when you do nothing to stop it? When you just let it happen? When you don’t even say “no” because he told you not to talk? What do you call it when someone tells you they’re going to blow you head off several times so that you just follow directions and puts their penis in you? Is that still called rape? Or is that something else? Something else less violent, something that should be less traumatizing. The word rape sounds so harsh, so physically forceful. It wasn’t like that. I let it happen. But, I was too afraid to do anything else. I didn’t want to die. But, now I feel like maybe it would have been worth it. I would have gone out fighting, instead of living in this weird half-life of aftermath.
Where did the other half of me go?
