Well, I guess now that I finally got it out there…
Have you ever felt like every time someone looks at you, they know? Whatever it is that happened to you… it’s like people just know. I feel like this about being r-worded. Every person who passes me, anyone who smiles. It’s like they all know. I just want to hide somewhere. I do anything to not make eye contact with people. I avoid public as much as possible. It just feels like everyone knows and I don’t want them to. I don’t want to be that person who sits down and suddenly everyone in the room falls hushed and there’s an uncomfortable silence. I know that doesn’t actually happen and people don’t actually know unless I tell them. But, it feels like they do. Every person who looks at me brands me with their eyes. I feel my skin scored by heat, I smell it singeing. Part of me wants to run away and hide every time and part of me does.
In other news, my roofing disease exempted me from counseling today. I didn’t want to give it to my counselor, plus I knew she just had a baby. She was worried about taking it home to her, so she called to ask a doctor about if it was passable. It is. I was relieved. But, on the other hand my insides were screaming at me…
Me to Lady Counselor (LC): “Umm. This is going to sound weird, but… have you had the chicken pox?”
LC: “Do I have the chicken pox. What? Yeah, I’ve had them?”
Me: “I have shingles”
… calls Campus Health, waits for response… pleasant conversation about shingles…
LC: “I have time open on Monday.”
Me: [some legitimate excuse about the job I just applied for and scheduling] “… best just keep it on Wednesday.”
…
LC: “Well, are you ok though?”
Insides #1: Take the Monday appointment! You are NOT fine. You need to talk about this stuff before it eats you alive!
Insides #2: Don’t be such a baby. Just wait. You’ll be fine. Think through it on your own.
Insides #1: Whatever.
Me: “Oh yeah. I’m fine. I can just wait.”
